Friday, June 01, 2007
Son Being Bullied By "Neanderthals"
Dear Guidance Guy,
My son is in Grade 6 this year, and very intelligent. Yes, I know mothers will always think that of their children, but he was in the gifted program at his last school. We moved to a new city last summer and have had nothing but problems, not with the teachers but with the students. The neighbourhood we have moved to is a bit of a rough one, but due to economic circumstances, I cannot move to a better neighbourhood.
The best way I can say this is that the children are all Neanderthals. They smash things, they grunt, and they love to fight. This is the core of the problem. My son has been bullied repeatedly. When the bullying goes over the line, the school is helpful in punishing the bullies, but I am beginning to wonder if it is just making things worse. It's the "Rat" and "Snitch" labels that have been applied, and it has done nothing to deter the other boys. Tonight my son was held down after school and punched repeatedly in the back of the head. He has skinburn marks across his throat from the collar of his shirt being pulled tight from behind. This is the third serious beating he has had this year, all from different boys. This on top of the almost daily minor events like threats or "accidental" bumpings in the hallway. After the last time I went to the school, the child was suspended but I ended up with a broken car window, a coincidence I'm sure.
I don't know what to do. He's begging me not to tell the principal because it will make things worse. I can't even argue that point because both times in the past it HAS made things worse. I want him to be safe, but I have made him more of a target than he was. He has a couple of friends at school, but they also follow this schoolyard code of not interfering and not snitching. His grades aren't suffering yet, but he doesn't want to go to school anymore. He hates it. He more than hates it, he FEARS it. Please, give me a magic bullet here. There has to be SOME way to deal with this.
Vicki
*** *** ***
Dear Vicki,
There are two things happening here, both of which need to be dealt with for your son's welfare.
What you are describing is beyond simple bullying. This is assault. It may be he is in a school that has tolerated such behavior before, but this is a time where you will have to take more assertive action. I don't know what country you're in but what you are describing is criminal behavior being committed against your son. Getting the police involved is certainly your right. This will add a whole new element to the seriousness of what is being done to him. I would imagine the school administration will take things more seriously if law enforcement was involved. Don't be shy about communicating your intentions to distrrict level administrators beyond the school pirncipal as well. Describing how this behavior is affecting your child may add an emotional element that will get a stronger reaction.
The other part: how your son interacts with these other boys needs to be looked at as well. What you are saying doesn't lead me to believe your son is doing anything deliberately wrong. But your description of them leads me to believe there's a lack of respect for them on your part. It could be well deserved. But I have a hard time believing ALL of the boys in this class are "Neanderthals." Is your perception of them influencing how your son thinks of them? And is that influencing how he behaves toward them?
Food for thought. Keep in mind no one likes to experience feeling bad by comparison to another. Just take a look at the language and attitude that comes forth from you and see if there is a way you can see them as people, not advanced primates.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
My son is in Grade 6 this year, and very intelligent. Yes, I know mothers will always think that of their children, but he was in the gifted program at his last school. We moved to a new city last summer and have had nothing but problems, not with the teachers but with the students. The neighbourhood we have moved to is a bit of a rough one, but due to economic circumstances, I cannot move to a better neighbourhood.
The best way I can say this is that the children are all Neanderthals. They smash things, they grunt, and they love to fight. This is the core of the problem. My son has been bullied repeatedly. When the bullying goes over the line, the school is helpful in punishing the bullies, but I am beginning to wonder if it is just making things worse. It's the "Rat" and "Snitch" labels that have been applied, and it has done nothing to deter the other boys. Tonight my son was held down after school and punched repeatedly in the back of the head. He has skinburn marks across his throat from the collar of his shirt being pulled tight from behind. This is the third serious beating he has had this year, all from different boys. This on top of the almost daily minor events like threats or "accidental" bumpings in the hallway. After the last time I went to the school, the child was suspended but I ended up with a broken car window, a coincidence I'm sure.
I don't know what to do. He's begging me not to tell the principal because it will make things worse. I can't even argue that point because both times in the past it HAS made things worse. I want him to be safe, but I have made him more of a target than he was. He has a couple of friends at school, but they also follow this schoolyard code of not interfering and not snitching. His grades aren't suffering yet, but he doesn't want to go to school anymore. He hates it. He more than hates it, he FEARS it. Please, give me a magic bullet here. There has to be SOME way to deal with this.
Vicki
*** *** ***
Dear Vicki,
There are two things happening here, both of which need to be dealt with for your son's welfare.
What you are describing is beyond simple bullying. This is assault. It may be he is in a school that has tolerated such behavior before, but this is a time where you will have to take more assertive action. I don't know what country you're in but what you are describing is criminal behavior being committed against your son. Getting the police involved is certainly your right. This will add a whole new element to the seriousness of what is being done to him. I would imagine the school administration will take things more seriously if law enforcement was involved. Don't be shy about communicating your intentions to distrrict level administrators beyond the school pirncipal as well. Describing how this behavior is affecting your child may add an emotional element that will get a stronger reaction.
The other part: how your son interacts with these other boys needs to be looked at as well. What you are saying doesn't lead me to believe your son is doing anything deliberately wrong. But your description of them leads me to believe there's a lack of respect for them on your part. It could be well deserved. But I have a hard time believing ALL of the boys in this class are "Neanderthals." Is your perception of them influencing how your son thinks of them? And is that influencing how he behaves toward them?
Food for thought. Keep in mind no one likes to experience feeling bad by comparison to another. Just take a look at the language and attitude that comes forth from you and see if there is a way you can see them as people, not advanced primates.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 9:47 PM
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Hi,
Now that I am calmer, I see how I could come across as having an attitude about the other kids. I really didn't mean to say that ALL of them are neanderthals. As I said, my son does have a few friends in his class who are good kids. Good kids, but just as scared into the code of silence as my son has been. The ones who are a problem are a big problem, and there seems to be more of them than the usual one or two bullies you see in other schools. They are very bold, and that's the part that is most shocking to me. I separated 2 young boys who were fighting a while ago, and the one boy told me not to "bleeping" touch him. He was no older than 10 or 11 years old.
I think the idea of involving the police might work next time. I'm not sure how seriously the police will take this because the children we are talking about are 11-12 year old range. The school has been good at dealing with problems as they come up but a suspension from school is simply a vacation to a child. It's a reward not a punishment.
Thank you for the advice and the opportunity to vent.
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Now that I am calmer, I see how I could come across as having an attitude about the other kids. I really didn't mean to say that ALL of them are neanderthals. As I said, my son does have a few friends in his class who are good kids. Good kids, but just as scared into the code of silence as my son has been. The ones who are a problem are a big problem, and there seems to be more of them than the usual one or two bullies you see in other schools. They are very bold, and that's the part that is most shocking to me. I separated 2 young boys who were fighting a while ago, and the one boy told me not to "bleeping" touch him. He was no older than 10 or 11 years old.
I think the idea of involving the police might work next time. I'm not sure how seriously the police will take this because the children we are talking about are 11-12 year old range. The school has been good at dealing with problems as they come up but a suspension from school is simply a vacation to a child. It's a reward not a punishment.
Thank you for the advice and the opportunity to vent.
# posted by 
: 4:55 PM
: 4:55 PM<< Home
