Sunday, May 13, 2007
An AMAZING Mother's Day Letter
Dear Guidance Guy,
I will try to be short with this but I would appreciate any feedback. My youngest daughter is a sr in high school, all college applications are in, tests are taken everything is all set. She has always had a good head on her shoulders and she is independent, strong willed and a good student. This is so out of character for her, and I think that is why this shocks me so. She met this guy. I meet him the first time and WHOA, I get a really bad feeling. Talk about sending off bad vibes. She is with him everyday, and everyday I am finding out more and more about him.
(Thank God my daughter and I have great lines of comunication and she talks with me about things.)
I find out he is an addict, he walked out of rehab. He shows signs of being a controller, if her phone would ring he would grab it and answer it, he deleted all boy names and numbers out of her phone, her boss, her cousin, if it was male it was deleted. I let her know how I felt about him and my thoughts on his actions. She told me it really wasn't like that. She loved him, he is just jealous because he loves her. He was kicked out of his house, and soon moved out of state to be with other family that would take him in. I thought, "good this will be the end of it."
But it didn't work out that way. She went to see him and I have to say he has done a lot to change his way of life. He is working and not doing drugs, and trying to turn his life around. But I still didn't like him and he was still controlling her from afar.
So after she went to visit him she came home and announced that she was moving with him after graduation, No college, no school, no plans. My husband had a fit, I mean a real FIT ! I told him he had to stop and stop now. I told him she is 18 and we can't stop her from moving. If you continue to rant and rave she is going to walk out that door right now and that will be it. Then if she goes and things don't work out she will be afraid to come home. I want this to play out so she makes the decision and if it doesn't work the way she wants it to she always feels she can come home. I didnt want him to "drive her into his arms" so to speak.
I sat down with my daughter and told her I did not want her to go, I would not help her move financially or otherwise. But I wanted her to know if it didn't work out she could always come home, and if it did work out that all I ever wanted for her was to be happy. I explained to her how I felt about his controlling behaviors and how she would be with no family or friends. How he said she wouldn't even have to work, that she would have no money of her own and he would control everything. I explained about isolation and how I felt about that. I told her it wasn't because I didnt want her to move, if she wanted to move to go to school or move with friends for a change of pace, thats fine. I just didn't want her to move with him.
I told her I was going to set up a bank account, I would put some money in there, not for her to shop or buy things. This was only to use if she had to get out. I told her I felt she would get there and all of a sudden find out she was trapped. I told her I hated to see her so miserable. They talk on the phone everyday, I can hear her fighting with him, she then cries, he yells at her that she is going to meet someone at work, that she talks to guys at work. He even yelled at her once because he heard male voices in the background on the phone one time and it was friends of friends of my other daughter, these people weren't even here to see or talk to her.
I can't even begin to tell you all the signs I saw of bad things to come. I continued to tell her what I thought, and to point out things that she didnt see, or other ways to look at things more objectively, like... what if you saw this? And what if your friend's boyfriend did this?
Well it is now 20 days till graduation. Last night she walked into my room and said, "Tomorrow can we go and change my phone number? I cant get him to stop calling me." I hugged her and said yes we will do whatever it takes. Inside I was screaming "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH"
So can we manifest something away? or clear thinking for her? or do you think it was my way of handling the situation that made her think differently about it and she manifested things? or do you think I actually had nothing to do with it at all? Do you think I handled this the right way? I am still not sure he is gone for good, I mean he can contact her through friends, mail, email but I think if we change her phone number and he can't call her constantly he will give up and move on to his next "victim." What are your thoughts on all of this? Thank you for your feedback.
Ellen
*** *** ***
Dear Ellen,
Take your left hand and put it on your right shoulder. Then take your right hand and put it on your left shoulder. Give yourself a giant HUG! I don't know how you could have handled this better. You role modeled strength, self-reliance and self-love for your daughter, and she responded. I am actually proud of you.
Let's address the other questions... there is no manifesting the absence of something or creating in another person's experience. What is happening here is the creation of energy on your daughter's part that isn't a match to this young man's. There will be a residual time period for him to wash completely out of her system. As long as she continues on the path she's on it will kink out. Changing phone numbers and asking her friends not to provide any information about her is a prudent step.
My guess is the underlying problem that contributed to his drug abuse is far from over and he will begin self-medicating again shortly, if he hasn't already. That could mean many things, one of which is he will be too busy with his own drama to pursue your daughter.
Many counselors and coaches would be tempted to get her on the "therapy couch" and delve into the reasons she arrived at this situation in the first place. No doubt there are personal and family dynamics that caused this situation to occur. But I think as she goes on with her life...with loving, gentle and assertive guidance from her parents these things will become exposed.
You don't have to dig deep looking for the wounds. There will be situations that expose them to the world. If you or your husband recognize your behaviors as contributing to them, have the bravery to say so, apologize and set things right in the present moment. If you're having a hard time with this, a counseling or coaching experience can move the process along.
Congratulations on your wisdom and bravery, Ellen. I admire you.
The Guidance Guy
I will try to be short with this but I would appreciate any feedback. My youngest daughter is a sr in high school, all college applications are in, tests are taken everything is all set. She has always had a good head on her shoulders and she is independent, strong willed and a good student. This is so out of character for her, and I think that is why this shocks me so. She met this guy. I meet him the first time and WHOA, I get a really bad feeling. Talk about sending off bad vibes. She is with him everyday, and everyday I am finding out more and more about him.
(Thank God my daughter and I have great lines of comunication and she talks with me about things.)
I find out he is an addict, he walked out of rehab. He shows signs of being a controller, if her phone would ring he would grab it and answer it, he deleted all boy names and numbers out of her phone, her boss, her cousin, if it was male it was deleted. I let her know how I felt about him and my thoughts on his actions. She told me it really wasn't like that. She loved him, he is just jealous because he loves her. He was kicked out of his house, and soon moved out of state to be with other family that would take him in. I thought, "good this will be the end of it."
But it didn't work out that way. She went to see him and I have to say he has done a lot to change his way of life. He is working and not doing drugs, and trying to turn his life around. But I still didn't like him and he was still controlling her from afar.
So after she went to visit him she came home and announced that she was moving with him after graduation, No college, no school, no plans. My husband had a fit, I mean a real FIT ! I told him he had to stop and stop now. I told him she is 18 and we can't stop her from moving. If you continue to rant and rave she is going to walk out that door right now and that will be it. Then if she goes and things don't work out she will be afraid to come home. I want this to play out so she makes the decision and if it doesn't work the way she wants it to she always feels she can come home. I didnt want him to "drive her into his arms" so to speak.
I sat down with my daughter and told her I did not want her to go, I would not help her move financially or otherwise. But I wanted her to know if it didn't work out she could always come home, and if it did work out that all I ever wanted for her was to be happy. I explained to her how I felt about his controlling behaviors and how she would be with no family or friends. How he said she wouldn't even have to work, that she would have no money of her own and he would control everything. I explained about isolation and how I felt about that. I told her it wasn't because I didnt want her to move, if she wanted to move to go to school or move with friends for a change of pace, thats fine. I just didn't want her to move with him.
I told her I was going to set up a bank account, I would put some money in there, not for her to shop or buy things. This was only to use if she had to get out. I told her I felt she would get there and all of a sudden find out she was trapped. I told her I hated to see her so miserable. They talk on the phone everyday, I can hear her fighting with him, she then cries, he yells at her that she is going to meet someone at work, that she talks to guys at work. He even yelled at her once because he heard male voices in the background on the phone one time and it was friends of friends of my other daughter, these people weren't even here to see or talk to her.
I can't even begin to tell you all the signs I saw of bad things to come. I continued to tell her what I thought, and to point out things that she didnt see, or other ways to look at things more objectively, like... what if you saw this? And what if your friend's boyfriend did this?
Well it is now 20 days till graduation. Last night she walked into my room and said, "Tomorrow can we go and change my phone number? I cant get him to stop calling me." I hugged her and said yes we will do whatever it takes. Inside I was screaming "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH"
So can we manifest something away? or clear thinking for her? or do you think it was my way of handling the situation that made her think differently about it and she manifested things? or do you think I actually had nothing to do with it at all? Do you think I handled this the right way? I am still not sure he is gone for good, I mean he can contact her through friends, mail, email but I think if we change her phone number and he can't call her constantly he will give up and move on to his next "victim." What are your thoughts on all of this? Thank you for your feedback.
Ellen
*** *** ***
Dear Ellen,
Take your left hand and put it on your right shoulder. Then take your right hand and put it on your left shoulder. Give yourself a giant HUG! I don't know how you could have handled this better. You role modeled strength, self-reliance and self-love for your daughter, and she responded. I am actually proud of you.
Let's address the other questions... there is no manifesting the absence of something or creating in another person's experience. What is happening here is the creation of energy on your daughter's part that isn't a match to this young man's. There will be a residual time period for him to wash completely out of her system. As long as she continues on the path she's on it will kink out. Changing phone numbers and asking her friends not to provide any information about her is a prudent step.
My guess is the underlying problem that contributed to his drug abuse is far from over and he will begin self-medicating again shortly, if he hasn't already. That could mean many things, one of which is he will be too busy with his own drama to pursue your daughter.
Many counselors and coaches would be tempted to get her on the "therapy couch" and delve into the reasons she arrived at this situation in the first place. No doubt there are personal and family dynamics that caused this situation to occur. But I think as she goes on with her life...with loving, gentle and assertive guidance from her parents these things will become exposed.
You don't have to dig deep looking for the wounds. There will be situations that expose them to the world. If you or your husband recognize your behaviors as contributing to them, have the bravery to say so, apologize and set things right in the present moment. If you're having a hard time with this, a counseling or coaching experience can move the process along.
Congratulations on your wisdom and bravery, Ellen. I admire you.
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 8:47 AM
