Thursday, April 19, 2007
Breaking The Emotional Chains
Dear Guidance Guy,
Today, you gave a very inspirational speech at my school. I was very inspired by the things you had to tell everyone, and how much you grabbed teenager's minds at 8:00 in the morning. Not only that... but you're obviously one to give advice, and good advice at that when a person truly does need it.So here it goes... you explained to all of us that "can't" is a horrible word to use.. and after hearing your speech I could not agree more with you. I am definitely sure that I can relate to your life experience, but I do need to give you some background first which I really hope you do decide to read.
I am currently growing up in a home with a mother, a step father, a younger sister, and I also obviously live here, and I have a older sister living outside of the home. My family is not very wealthy... and my aspirations for college are known as very "out of line" from what my mother tells me in a financial aspect. My mother makes about $15,900 a year, my step father makes $16,500. As you already see, in today's world that's not much at all especially when the family is in $20,000 of debt and my mother has a mortgage of $180,000 left to pay off plus the rest of the family's necessities.
Growing up, I went through a very painful relationship with my physically abusive alcoholic father. Today my father still greatly impacts all of our lives mentally because of the abuse we once did encounter (do not worry it is in the past and there is no current abuse/ my parents are divorced). I have not seen my father in now 11 years (I am 18). It's extremely painful for me to deal with because as much of a crazy alcoholic he was, he was also a very loving and caring person when he wasn't making my mom buy the booze with the credit cards. Back then, I can easily say I didn't understand why my parents fought, or what was going on. All I can reflect upon in my childhood is a small apartment building. My father hurting us when he was drunk. My mother hiding his alcohol. And my older sister keeping me at age 6, and my younger sister age 2 inside of our bedroom that all of us did share while my parents fought.
Today, I reflect on all of it and have recently found out I have two step sisters (because my father was previously married before he was married to my mother) somewhere in this world too, which is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I can not go one day without at least one flash back of those painful heartbreaking memories, nor can my sisters, and I am sure my mother reflects too. Please, understand, that this doesn't affect one aspect of my life. It affects all of my life. The relationships I have with people, my health, mentality, my attitude towards my step father, sometimes my grades, and a large reflection of how successful or unsuccessful I might be in my future. High school graduation is coming, and I will be moving out of a public school system for the rest of my life which has to be the scariest thing I think about whenever it comes to my mind. The problem here is not my grades, attitude, or acceptance into college. My problem is my mother, and financial difficulty, and a dream that I am scared will remain just a dream when it needs so much more.
I have been accepted to four schools, including my first college of choice Berkeley College (midtown Manhattan NewYork City). My mother does not want me to leave the house, or follow what I wish to pursue because of the expenses. These colleges do not have housing which means I would have to be a roommate in someone's apartment and pay a rent that way. This is bothersome to my mother, and she says to me, "I can't even talk to you because you just won't listen to what I have to say, you can't afford it, I can't afford it, and it is out of line."
I just butt my head back and say, "this is what I want to do, this is what I NEED to do." She refuses to talk to me about my father, she made me file the FAFSA online all by myself meaning she gave me ALL of her miserable paperwork for me to do, and all she sees my life if I leave Connecticut into the big city is a big big big mistake. I see it as more than the opposite of that. This is my passion. This only becomes more painful for me, as anyone knows how difficult the college process really is for some people.
But because of these intentional fears my mother gives me, it makes me hurt. She intends for me to stay where I am not happy and where day to day I reflect on growing up here with my father. She knows I would be happy someplace else. But she just doesn't really care about that aspect of the problem.
I am going to major in Business Administration in whichever college I go to. I am stuck in a hole, a big hole of misunderstanding from my mother, and both of us continually break each others hearts. My father always was about doing what that individual wanted to do (for example he would not let my mother baptize us because he wanted us to pick our own beliefs). I have not heard from my father (meaning phone) in over a year which worries me because I just want to tell him so much of what I am doing because of the phenomenal support he would give me that my mother unfortunately will not.
The dream to go to New York City for college and major in business is something I cannot let go of. Please, give me the advice I need...not to convince my mother, but to persuade myself. I want to know I can do this even if I do not have the support many teenagers do have at my age. What I can do to improve myself, and my negative outlook I now have because of my listening ears for my mother.
Thank You,
Tina
*** *** ***
Dear Tina,
I have good news for you. You are so clear on your desire, and so aware of the things holding you back, it will only be a matter of time before you find a way to make these things happen. I see you in New York City, as a business major. I see you in an apartment with other people your own age or possibly older, having a great time. I don't know whether these things will happen this autumn, but it's a done deal.
The reason I'm so clear on this is that most people don't have a clue about what's holding them back from pursuing their dreams. For many it's a matter of moving away from the negative influences around them. Your mother seems like a great person. She's held things together for a long time. It's only natural she has fear for her daughter going out into the world, especially with the experiences she's had. I recommend you honor your mother for the wonderful job she's done so far.
And as you become a grown woman who gets to choose her own path, do research and find ways to make your dreams come true. For example, if the price of Berkeley is too steep and your parents aren't able/willing to take out loans, is there someplace else you can go in New York? One of the NYC community colleges may be a great starting point. You can also stay local for a year, take a few courses, save some money and spend time doing research on living in Manhattan as a college student. You can make connections with people who have the things you want. This is a great way to change your emotional environment before you change the physical environment.
And you're right...detaching from your mom's hurt is a big step. Surrounding yourself with gratitude for how far you've come is a big step. The fact that you want this so badly is a beautiful start. Imagine your dreams, Tina. Make them big and bright, and allow other like-minded people into your life. Believe me, they're out there.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
Today, you gave a very inspirational speech at my school. I was very inspired by the things you had to tell everyone, and how much you grabbed teenager's minds at 8:00 in the morning. Not only that... but you're obviously one to give advice, and good advice at that when a person truly does need it.So here it goes... you explained to all of us that "can't" is a horrible word to use.. and after hearing your speech I could not agree more with you. I am definitely sure that I can relate to your life experience, but I do need to give you some background first which I really hope you do decide to read.
I am currently growing up in a home with a mother, a step father, a younger sister, and I also obviously live here, and I have a older sister living outside of the home. My family is not very wealthy... and my aspirations for college are known as very "out of line" from what my mother tells me in a financial aspect. My mother makes about $15,900 a year, my step father makes $16,500. As you already see, in today's world that's not much at all especially when the family is in $20,000 of debt and my mother has a mortgage of $180,000 left to pay off plus the rest of the family's necessities.
Growing up, I went through a very painful relationship with my physically abusive alcoholic father. Today my father still greatly impacts all of our lives mentally because of the abuse we once did encounter (do not worry it is in the past and there is no current abuse/ my parents are divorced). I have not seen my father in now 11 years (I am 18). It's extremely painful for me to deal with because as much of a crazy alcoholic he was, he was also a very loving and caring person when he wasn't making my mom buy the booze with the credit cards. Back then, I can easily say I didn't understand why my parents fought, or what was going on. All I can reflect upon in my childhood is a small apartment building. My father hurting us when he was drunk. My mother hiding his alcohol. And my older sister keeping me at age 6, and my younger sister age 2 inside of our bedroom that all of us did share while my parents fought.
Today, I reflect on all of it and have recently found out I have two step sisters (because my father was previously married before he was married to my mother) somewhere in this world too, which is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I can not go one day without at least one flash back of those painful heartbreaking memories, nor can my sisters, and I am sure my mother reflects too. Please, understand, that this doesn't affect one aspect of my life. It affects all of my life. The relationships I have with people, my health, mentality, my attitude towards my step father, sometimes my grades, and a large reflection of how successful or unsuccessful I might be in my future. High school graduation is coming, and I will be moving out of a public school system for the rest of my life which has to be the scariest thing I think about whenever it comes to my mind. The problem here is not my grades, attitude, or acceptance into college. My problem is my mother, and financial difficulty, and a dream that I am scared will remain just a dream when it needs so much more.
I have been accepted to four schools, including my first college of choice Berkeley College (midtown Manhattan NewYork City). My mother does not want me to leave the house, or follow what I wish to pursue because of the expenses. These colleges do not have housing which means I would have to be a roommate in someone's apartment and pay a rent that way. This is bothersome to my mother, and she says to me, "I can't even talk to you because you just won't listen to what I have to say, you can't afford it, I can't afford it, and it is out of line."
I just butt my head back and say, "this is what I want to do, this is what I NEED to do." She refuses to talk to me about my father, she made me file the FAFSA online all by myself meaning she gave me ALL of her miserable paperwork for me to do, and all she sees my life if I leave Connecticut into the big city is a big big big mistake. I see it as more than the opposite of that. This is my passion. This only becomes more painful for me, as anyone knows how difficult the college process really is for some people.
But because of these intentional fears my mother gives me, it makes me hurt. She intends for me to stay where I am not happy and where day to day I reflect on growing up here with my father. She knows I would be happy someplace else. But she just doesn't really care about that aspect of the problem.
I am going to major in Business Administration in whichever college I go to. I am stuck in a hole, a big hole of misunderstanding from my mother, and both of us continually break each others hearts. My father always was about doing what that individual wanted to do (for example he would not let my mother baptize us because he wanted us to pick our own beliefs). I have not heard from my father (meaning phone) in over a year which worries me because I just want to tell him so much of what I am doing because of the phenomenal support he would give me that my mother unfortunately will not.
The dream to go to New York City for college and major in business is something I cannot let go of. Please, give me the advice I need...not to convince my mother, but to persuade myself. I want to know I can do this even if I do not have the support many teenagers do have at my age. What I can do to improve myself, and my negative outlook I now have because of my listening ears for my mother.
Thank You,
Tina
*** *** ***
Dear Tina,
I have good news for you. You are so clear on your desire, and so aware of the things holding you back, it will only be a matter of time before you find a way to make these things happen. I see you in New York City, as a business major. I see you in an apartment with other people your own age or possibly older, having a great time. I don't know whether these things will happen this autumn, but it's a done deal.
The reason I'm so clear on this is that most people don't have a clue about what's holding them back from pursuing their dreams. For many it's a matter of moving away from the negative influences around them. Your mother seems like a great person. She's held things together for a long time. It's only natural she has fear for her daughter going out into the world, especially with the experiences she's had. I recommend you honor your mother for the wonderful job she's done so far.
And as you become a grown woman who gets to choose her own path, do research and find ways to make your dreams come true. For example, if the price of Berkeley is too steep and your parents aren't able/willing to take out loans, is there someplace else you can go in New York? One of the NYC community colleges may be a great starting point. You can also stay local for a year, take a few courses, save some money and spend time doing research on living in Manhattan as a college student. You can make connections with people who have the things you want. This is a great way to change your emotional environment before you change the physical environment.
And you're right...detaching from your mom's hurt is a big step. Surrounding yourself with gratitude for how far you've come is a big step. The fact that you want this so badly is a beautiful start. Imagine your dreams, Tina. Make them big and bright, and allow other like-minded people into your life. Believe me, they're out there.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 10:51 AM
