Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Losing My Best Friend
Dear Guidance Guy,
I am afraid I am losing my best friend. We've been best friends since 3rd grade, and she was a really nice person. But, in 6th grade we found out we didn't have any classes together. That's where it all started. Suddenly I'm not so important to her anymore. She got a "new" best friend and barely talks to me anymore. I brought it up to her a few times and she insists that we're not spreading apart. So, I have remained silent, continuing to fade into her background.
Instead of feeling comfortable around her and being able to tell her everything, I now am extremely shy just to say hello in the hallway. And the worst part of that is, she barely notices me in the hallway, sometimes I'll smile and say hey, then look stupid because she didn't say anything back. I also have mixed feelings for this girl. I told her I liked her in... I forget which grade, but she was dating this "Mr. Perfect" guy who I REALLY didn't like.
Now we're freshman in high school (ugh) and she's getting more involved with drugs and older guys. I keep hearing stories about "Oh, ____ hooked up with so-and-so last night." And she also is getting involved with marijuana, as far as I know. For these reasons, people are calling her names such as "slut" and "whore" which make me feel really bad and sick to my stomach, but I'm too much of a wimp to tell them to SHUT UP! I feel that I have to ask other people to even catch a glimpse of what is going on in her life. She acts like she is still my best friend when I'm around her, but she knows she's lying.
And now, for my birthday, I wanted to go into the city to see Wicked, and wanted to take her. When I told her, she was ecstatic. But, when my birthday came around, she didn't even say "hi" to me. Now Wicked is coming up and I'm afraid it's going to be awkward the entire time. Please lend me your advice.
Sincerely,
Losing My Best Friend
*** *** ***
Dear Losing,
For better or worse, this girl has made a choice. She has decided to cool the friendship with you. Everything you have written tells me very clearly she has moved onto the next stage of her life. I know it's hard to see this when you want so badly to keep things the way they were (especially if you had romantic feelings for her). But it's very clear to me the special time you had with her is over.
That leaves you with choices. You can fight to get her back, which is something I definitely do not recommend. You are coming from a position of weakness. It looks desperate. And the truth is the only people who want friendships with desperate people are other desperate people. Like attracts like. Even if the friendship got back on track, you'd always wonder when she was going to bolt again.
You can be angry with her if you like. And this way you won't have to worry about trying to be friends with her, because it's over. This will tie up all your energy and leave you with other angry people to hang out with. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun, does it?
There is one other choice. You can be grateful for the wonderful times you and her had together. You can enjoy the memories of when you joked around and shared special times. And you can use those good feelings to move onto the next part of your life. And high school is great opportunity to try out new interests and people. It doesn't have to be "Ugh" time!
In my vision, you release this girl and be happy with who you are right now. Since you are obviously a sensitive and wonderful person (who likes Broadway) this shouldn't be too hard. Soon you will find there's a whole big world of people who like the same things as you do, and who show you the respect you deserve. They're out there! Just change your vision a little bit and you'll notice them all around you.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
I am afraid I am losing my best friend. We've been best friends since 3rd grade, and she was a really nice person. But, in 6th grade we found out we didn't have any classes together. That's where it all started. Suddenly I'm not so important to her anymore. She got a "new" best friend and barely talks to me anymore. I brought it up to her a few times and she insists that we're not spreading apart. So, I have remained silent, continuing to fade into her background.
Instead of feeling comfortable around her and being able to tell her everything, I now am extremely shy just to say hello in the hallway. And the worst part of that is, she barely notices me in the hallway, sometimes I'll smile and say hey, then look stupid because she didn't say anything back. I also have mixed feelings for this girl. I told her I liked her in... I forget which grade, but she was dating this "Mr. Perfect" guy who I REALLY didn't like.
Now we're freshman in high school (ugh) and she's getting more involved with drugs and older guys. I keep hearing stories about "Oh, ____ hooked up with so-and-so last night." And she also is getting involved with marijuana, as far as I know. For these reasons, people are calling her names such as "slut" and "whore" which make me feel really bad and sick to my stomach, but I'm too much of a wimp to tell them to SHUT UP! I feel that I have to ask other people to even catch a glimpse of what is going on in her life. She acts like she is still my best friend when I'm around her, but she knows she's lying.
And now, for my birthday, I wanted to go into the city to see Wicked, and wanted to take her. When I told her, she was ecstatic. But, when my birthday came around, she didn't even say "hi" to me. Now Wicked is coming up and I'm afraid it's going to be awkward the entire time. Please lend me your advice.
Sincerely,
Losing My Best Friend
*** *** ***
Dear Losing,
For better or worse, this girl has made a choice. She has decided to cool the friendship with you. Everything you have written tells me very clearly she has moved onto the next stage of her life. I know it's hard to see this when you want so badly to keep things the way they were (especially if you had romantic feelings for her). But it's very clear to me the special time you had with her is over.
That leaves you with choices. You can fight to get her back, which is something I definitely do not recommend. You are coming from a position of weakness. It looks desperate. And the truth is the only people who want friendships with desperate people are other desperate people. Like attracts like. Even if the friendship got back on track, you'd always wonder when she was going to bolt again.
You can be angry with her if you like. And this way you won't have to worry about trying to be friends with her, because it's over. This will tie up all your energy and leave you with other angry people to hang out with. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun, does it?
There is one other choice. You can be grateful for the wonderful times you and her had together. You can enjoy the memories of when you joked around and shared special times. And you can use those good feelings to move onto the next part of your life. And high school is great opportunity to try out new interests and people. It doesn't have to be "Ugh" time!
In my vision, you release this girl and be happy with who you are right now. Since you are obviously a sensitive and wonderful person (who likes Broadway) this shouldn't be too hard. Soon you will find there's a whole big world of people who like the same things as you do, and who show you the respect you deserve. They're out there! Just change your vision a little bit and you'll notice them all around you.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 1:48 PM
