Friday, February 23, 2007
Worn Out Friendship
Dear Guidance Guy,
I'm a junior in high school. I'd consider myself rather introverted and somewhat cynical, but in no way am I anti-social. I'm a person who prefers a few close friends than have a lot of friends, but in that lies a problem. It seems that I have depleted my only friends. My closest friend really has not been my friend.
I have spend nights talking to her about her problems and concerns, whether they are ridiculous or not because I know that it makes sense to her and that is what is important. I really love her, not romantically of course, but we have been through so much and she has confided in me. I know she appreciates my support, but now I feel that is the extent of our friendship. It seems that I'm not a romantic interest (or eye candy), I don't have drugs she can experiment with (not heavilly, and she knows its wrong), and right now she has no problems, so I'm not of importance.
We went for two months without talking outside of school and I knew she just didn't notice. We exchanged holiday gifts two weeks after Christmas, though she lives down my street and was not vacationing. I've had so many mixed feelings about her. I want to accept that she's not the best of friends, but then I feel so angered that I don't mean that much in her eyes. Even today, she sat with me at lunch, and I thought to myself, "why swould she possibly want to sit with me?
Oh, her friend isn't here to day that she normally sits with!" And she was asking my tablemates what she should bake for one of her friends. But when she needs help in chemistry or she is frustrated with life or needs someone to listen to her, she'll be coming my way. It just really hurts and no one else can really get a grasp of what my situation is.
This is someone I really care for, but she just doesn't care about me unless it's in her interest.
Worn Out Friend
*** *** ***
Dear Worn Out,
I'm putting myself in this girl's place and looking for the "fun" part of the friendship. Based on what you've just described, there doesn't seem to be one. The whole focus of your relationship seems to be about her having a problem and you helping her/rescuing her from it. And since that's what you're putting your attention on, you're getting more of it.
Let me ask you...you say "of course" you don't love her romantically. Maybe you don't, but why is this an "of course?" You are absolutely allowed to have romantic feelings for this girl and I wonder if some of your energy is tied up in repressing those feelings.
But back to the main issue. You are feeling isolated, but everything I read tells me you're putting out energy that attracts the negative aspects of people. By wanting to "help" it implies you're seeking out people with problems they need help with. And you're right - once the problem is gone they have outgrown their need for you.
So what would happen if you made the decision to be happy no matter what anyone else said or thought? Pick some of the best parts of yourself and focus in on them for a while. For starters, you're obviously very smart and have a lot of compassion. These are attractive qualities. If you do nothing else but think of yourself as a smart, caring person, other smart caring people will show up.
You get to do whatever you want. But this particular girl seems to use you as a crutch when she needs one. This doesn't seem like the beginning of a healthy friendship or relationship. It might be time to release her.
One final suggestion: laugh every once in a while. It's such a great release of anxiety. And it clears the way for new and better things.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
I'm a junior in high school. I'd consider myself rather introverted and somewhat cynical, but in no way am I anti-social. I'm a person who prefers a few close friends than have a lot of friends, but in that lies a problem. It seems that I have depleted my only friends. My closest friend really has not been my friend.
I have spend nights talking to her about her problems and concerns, whether they are ridiculous or not because I know that it makes sense to her and that is what is important. I really love her, not romantically of course, but we have been through so much and she has confided in me. I know she appreciates my support, but now I feel that is the extent of our friendship. It seems that I'm not a romantic interest (or eye candy), I don't have drugs she can experiment with (not heavilly, and she knows its wrong), and right now she has no problems, so I'm not of importance.
We went for two months without talking outside of school and I knew she just didn't notice. We exchanged holiday gifts two weeks after Christmas, though she lives down my street and was not vacationing. I've had so many mixed feelings about her. I want to accept that she's not the best of friends, but then I feel so angered that I don't mean that much in her eyes. Even today, she sat with me at lunch, and I thought to myself, "why swould she possibly want to sit with me?
Oh, her friend isn't here to day that she normally sits with!" And she was asking my tablemates what she should bake for one of her friends. But when she needs help in chemistry or she is frustrated with life or needs someone to listen to her, she'll be coming my way. It just really hurts and no one else can really get a grasp of what my situation is.
This is someone I really care for, but she just doesn't care about me unless it's in her interest.
Worn Out Friend
*** *** ***
Dear Worn Out,
I'm putting myself in this girl's place and looking for the "fun" part of the friendship. Based on what you've just described, there doesn't seem to be one. The whole focus of your relationship seems to be about her having a problem and you helping her/rescuing her from it. And since that's what you're putting your attention on, you're getting more of it.
Let me ask you...you say "of course" you don't love her romantically. Maybe you don't, but why is this an "of course?" You are absolutely allowed to have romantic feelings for this girl and I wonder if some of your energy is tied up in repressing those feelings.
But back to the main issue. You are feeling isolated, but everything I read tells me you're putting out energy that attracts the negative aspects of people. By wanting to "help" it implies you're seeking out people with problems they need help with. And you're right - once the problem is gone they have outgrown their need for you.
So what would happen if you made the decision to be happy no matter what anyone else said or thought? Pick some of the best parts of yourself and focus in on them for a while. For starters, you're obviously very smart and have a lot of compassion. These are attractive qualities. If you do nothing else but think of yourself as a smart, caring person, other smart caring people will show up.
You get to do whatever you want. But this particular girl seems to use you as a crutch when she needs one. This doesn't seem like the beginning of a healthy friendship or relationship. It might be time to release her.
One final suggestion: laugh every once in a while. It's such a great release of anxiety. And it clears the way for new and better things.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 8:12 AM
