Saturday, November 18, 2006
Should I Date My Best Friend's Ex?
Dear Guidance Guy,
I have a big problem. There's this guy at school, let's call him "Colin", who started dating one of my friends, we can call her "Britney" roughly a year and a couple months ago. Early last spring, they broke up. I didn't, (and still don't really know the details), but from what I could tell, it was pretty bad. I was really sad because my friend was really hurt and also because after meeting this guy, we became really good friends and this situation made me see him very differently and I started talking to him less and less.
By now, my friend is over him and things are back to normal, and they're even sort of friends again, (at the very least, they're civil to on another and talk a little). At the beginning of the school year, Britney came up to me and said that Colin was telling her that I was ignoring him and he was wondering why. So I started talking to him and we've gotten really close and I'm happy because I missed him. I guess Britney must have noticed because one day, out of the blue, she cam up to me and said, "If he asks you out, promise me you'll say no." I was TOTALLY taken aback! I hadn't even THOUGHT of Colin of anything more than a good friend. I promised her I'd say no but not before asking why. She said it was because he's a moron and I could do better. I wasn't convinced, so I decided to ask around a little.
I found out, from some other friends who knew a little more about their break-up and found out that there was a little bit of fault on both sides, not just his. He, apperently and according to her mostly, he was controlling and has a habit of dating someone and dumping them for someone completely different and leaving his ex heart-broken. He, she says, has done this several times. I then confirmed one of my supsicions, she cheated on him numerous times, and it was public information! All our friends knew, Colin knew, I'm just surprised they lasted as long as they did with her cheating on him and him knowing about it for the majority of their relationship!
Now that is all really confusing, but the real problem is a) that I really didn't get any answers, I'm not sure if he really is scum or whether or not my friend is just trying to cover up for her wrong-doings and b) I asked my self why I was making like Sherlock Holmes and digging all this stuff and why I hadn't just accepted what my friend said and forgot about the whole thing. At first I thought it was just curiosity but I think I was trying to find an excuse, something to rationalizing my breaking my promise to say no if he ever asked me out.
I think I really love him and I'm almost positive he feels the same about me. He's kind, considerate, smart, so sweet. (He's complimented me numerous times and has even gone out of his way to tell me he thinks I'm pretty!), and talks to me all the time. We get along so well and I think we have a chance together. However, there's Britney and the promise I made her. I've confided in two other friends who don't know Colin and Britney and one said I should go for it, that Britney is just trying to cover up her mistakes. The other said I should forget about him completely, "Friends Are 4ever, Boys AreWhatever!" but HE'S the one dating his best friends! I'm just really confused and upset and I was wondering if you had any advice. Should I go for it, or drop the idea of him and me or forget about him completely and forever?
Thanks,
Troubled and Confused
*** *** ***
Dear T & C,
Your problem is very simple: you're relying on other people to tell you what to do about your personal life. That's why they call it "personal"...it's yours. 99% of all the problems teens face would be solved if they just learned to stop listening to the advice of friends and trust their own instincts.
Your friend was wrong to ask you to promise not to go out with him and you were wrong to make the promise. You aren't bound to something you shouldn't have done in the first place, no matter what the reason. Your heart is telling you very clearly what you should be doing. There's no sign of anything unhealthy or dangerous about a possible relationship with him. If he doesn't treat you with respect, kick him to the curb! (And expect the same treatment from him if you don't play fair with him.)
My advice: stop following other people's advice. Do what's right for you. You'll know it when you feel it. And it looks like you feel it!
Thanks for a great letter,
The Guidance Guy
I have a big problem. There's this guy at school, let's call him "Colin", who started dating one of my friends, we can call her "Britney" roughly a year and a couple months ago. Early last spring, they broke up. I didn't, (and still don't really know the details), but from what I could tell, it was pretty bad. I was really sad because my friend was really hurt and also because after meeting this guy, we became really good friends and this situation made me see him very differently and I started talking to him less and less.
By now, my friend is over him and things are back to normal, and they're even sort of friends again, (at the very least, they're civil to on another and talk a little). At the beginning of the school year, Britney came up to me and said that Colin was telling her that I was ignoring him and he was wondering why. So I started talking to him and we've gotten really close and I'm happy because I missed him. I guess Britney must have noticed because one day, out of the blue, she cam up to me and said, "If he asks you out, promise me you'll say no." I was TOTALLY taken aback! I hadn't even THOUGHT of Colin of anything more than a good friend. I promised her I'd say no but not before asking why. She said it was because he's a moron and I could do better. I wasn't convinced, so I decided to ask around a little.
I found out, from some other friends who knew a little more about their break-up and found out that there was a little bit of fault on both sides, not just his. He, apperently and according to her mostly, he was controlling and has a habit of dating someone and dumping them for someone completely different and leaving his ex heart-broken. He, she says, has done this several times. I then confirmed one of my supsicions, she cheated on him numerous times, and it was public information! All our friends knew, Colin knew, I'm just surprised they lasted as long as they did with her cheating on him and him knowing about it for the majority of their relationship!
Now that is all really confusing, but the real problem is a) that I really didn't get any answers, I'm not sure if he really is scum or whether or not my friend is just trying to cover up for her wrong-doings and b) I asked my self why I was making like Sherlock Holmes and digging all this stuff and why I hadn't just accepted what my friend said and forgot about the whole thing. At first I thought it was just curiosity but I think I was trying to find an excuse, something to rationalizing my breaking my promise to say no if he ever asked me out.
I think I really love him and I'm almost positive he feels the same about me. He's kind, considerate, smart, so sweet. (He's complimented me numerous times and has even gone out of his way to tell me he thinks I'm pretty!), and talks to me all the time. We get along so well and I think we have a chance together. However, there's Britney and the promise I made her. I've confided in two other friends who don't know Colin and Britney and one said I should go for it, that Britney is just trying to cover up her mistakes. The other said I should forget about him completely, "Friends Are 4ever, Boys AreWhatever!" but HE'S the one dating his best friends! I'm just really confused and upset and I was wondering if you had any advice. Should I go for it, or drop the idea of him and me or forget about him completely and forever?
Thanks,
Troubled and Confused
*** *** ***
Dear T & C,
Your problem is very simple: you're relying on other people to tell you what to do about your personal life. That's why they call it "personal"...it's yours. 99% of all the problems teens face would be solved if they just learned to stop listening to the advice of friends and trust their own instincts.
Your friend was wrong to ask you to promise not to go out with him and you were wrong to make the promise. You aren't bound to something you shouldn't have done in the first place, no matter what the reason. Your heart is telling you very clearly what you should be doing. There's no sign of anything unhealthy or dangerous about a possible relationship with him. If he doesn't treat you with respect, kick him to the curb! (And expect the same treatment from him if you don't play fair with him.)
My advice: stop following other people's advice. Do what's right for you. You'll know it when you feel it. And it looks like you feel it!
Thanks for a great letter,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 10:30 AM
