Sunday, November 05, 2006
Boyfriend and Other Friends
Dear Guidance Guy,
I have a huge problem. All of my friends are mad at me. Ever since I got my boyfriend they say I've changed but I don't see how. I really love my boyfriend and I sometimes feel like he's the only one who understands me. Now I'm so mad at them because I have always been there for them but when I need them they all decide that I'm not the same person anymore and are trying to"fix" me.
I really don't know what to do and I need some help.
Confused and Mad
*** *** ***
Dear C & M,
It is very likely you have changed since you got your boyfriend. You are probably happier, more excited and more devoted to your relationship with him. These are definitely good things, but they can also affect your relationships with other friends. What I'm wondering is what you "need" your other friends for at the moment. You don't mention anything that seems to be going wrong, so that part is a little confusing for me.
The best friendships are ones that are based on wanting to be around the other person, not needing them for support. Of course it's great when friends are there for you when you're in trouble, but too much of that makes friendship more of a chore than fun.
Whatever your issues are with your friends, think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Imagine one of your friends had a boyfriend and cut you out of your social life. Not much fun, I'm sure. But since they all have other friends, it doesn't look like that's the problem. If you choose, you can set aside a certain day of the week or time that's just for them. No boyfriend, no talking about your boyfriend. That goes for them, too. They don't get to try to "fix" you.
See if they'll go for that idea, IF you want to. It looks like some feelings were hurt on both sides, and it may not be easy to fix the damage. But if the friendships are strong enough, and if you enjoy being around them, it will be worth the effort.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
I have a huge problem. All of my friends are mad at me. Ever since I got my boyfriend they say I've changed but I don't see how. I really love my boyfriend and I sometimes feel like he's the only one who understands me. Now I'm so mad at them because I have always been there for them but when I need them they all decide that I'm not the same person anymore and are trying to"fix" me.
I really don't know what to do and I need some help.
Confused and Mad
*** *** ***
Dear C & M,
It is very likely you have changed since you got your boyfriend. You are probably happier, more excited and more devoted to your relationship with him. These are definitely good things, but they can also affect your relationships with other friends. What I'm wondering is what you "need" your other friends for at the moment. You don't mention anything that seems to be going wrong, so that part is a little confusing for me.
The best friendships are ones that are based on wanting to be around the other person, not needing them for support. Of course it's great when friends are there for you when you're in trouble, but too much of that makes friendship more of a chore than fun.
Whatever your issues are with your friends, think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Imagine one of your friends had a boyfriend and cut you out of your social life. Not much fun, I'm sure. But since they all have other friends, it doesn't look like that's the problem. If you choose, you can set aside a certain day of the week or time that's just for them. No boyfriend, no talking about your boyfriend. That goes for them, too. They don't get to try to "fix" you.
See if they'll go for that idea, IF you want to. It looks like some feelings were hurt on both sides, and it may not be easy to fix the damage. But if the friendships are strong enough, and if you enjoy being around them, it will be worth the effort.
Best of Luck,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 8:15 AM
