Thursday, August 17, 2006
My Friend is Always Jealous
Dear Guidance Guy,
I have two best friends that I've known for as long as I can remember. One of them is completely obsessed with the other. She always gets in fights with other girls because she claims to have "known her longer." I told her it didn't matter because we are all friends but she won't listen. I had a party and I couldn't get them apart! She would say " Where did my Jenny go?" and go looking for her. Whenever she doesn't have attention she starts up a fight or a reason to fight. She can get really jealous and greedy but I still love her!
What Should I Do?
Lost
*** *** ***
Dear Lost,
Your friend (the one who isn't named Jenny) has issues with jealousy, which really means she has a problem with how she feels about herself. That's really what jealousy is...being afraid someone will take someone else from you. Some people get more comfortable with themselves as they grow up and the jealousy disappears. Most people keep some kind of jealousy in certain situations. And a few unhappy people stay very jealous and angry for most of their lives. Hopefully, your friend will grow out of this stage.
But there is very little you can - or should - do about it. The attention you give her when she starts trouble will cause her to keep starting trouble. After all, negative attention is better than no attention at all. If you constantly come to the rescue everytime she gets upset she will learn to have people pay attention to her that way. If you want to help her, give her attention only when she is doing something you like or is nice to you another person. And ignore what she does when it makes you feel uncomfortable.
And here's the truth: you can love her and still choose not to be around her if her behavior makes you badly. That may be hard to do, since you seem like a very nice person. But the nicest thing you can do for yourself is to be around people who make you feel good. And the nicest thing you can do for her is help her to understand the kinds of things she's doing now will only cause her to be more lonely than she already is.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
I have two best friends that I've known for as long as I can remember. One of them is completely obsessed with the other. She always gets in fights with other girls because she claims to have "known her longer." I told her it didn't matter because we are all friends but she won't listen. I had a party and I couldn't get them apart! She would say " Where did my Jenny go?" and go looking for her. Whenever she doesn't have attention she starts up a fight or a reason to fight. She can get really jealous and greedy but I still love her!
What Should I Do?
Lost
*** *** ***
Dear Lost,
Your friend (the one who isn't named Jenny) has issues with jealousy, which really means she has a problem with how she feels about herself. That's really what jealousy is...being afraid someone will take someone else from you. Some people get more comfortable with themselves as they grow up and the jealousy disappears. Most people keep some kind of jealousy in certain situations. And a few unhappy people stay very jealous and angry for most of their lives. Hopefully, your friend will grow out of this stage.
But there is very little you can - or should - do about it. The attention you give her when she starts trouble will cause her to keep starting trouble. After all, negative attention is better than no attention at all. If you constantly come to the rescue everytime she gets upset she will learn to have people pay attention to her that way. If you want to help her, give her attention only when she is doing something you like or is nice to you another person. And ignore what she does when it makes you feel uncomfortable.
And here's the truth: you can love her and still choose not to be around her if her behavior makes you badly. That may be hard to do, since you seem like a very nice person. But the nicest thing you can do for yourself is to be around people who make you feel good. And the nicest thing you can do for her is help her to understand the kinds of things she's doing now will only cause her to be more lonely than she already is.
All The Best,
The Guidance Guy
# posted by Larry Hochman : 9:56 AM
